I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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