A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
