remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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