3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Randomize
