Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize