I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
bring money and cleavage
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
