Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The air was thick with penises
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
