my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
