Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
