I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
