as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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