I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
