the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
