So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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