Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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