Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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