I want to stick my p in your. b.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
