Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
