ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
