Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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