this beer tastes like vomit already
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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