Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
