I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
