I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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