im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
