Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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