I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
