Umm I'm too high to move.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
