I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
