i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
