Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
