Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
