i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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