She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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