college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
When did angry sex become our thing?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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