I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Randomize
