I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
