Plan B is the new Plan A
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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