I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
