No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Randomize
