Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
