3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
