I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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