Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
