i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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