Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
