well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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