I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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