You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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