I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
