I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
