wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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