Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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