I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize