I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
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