I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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