I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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